I’ll make you coffee in the morning
And write silly poems
I’ll carry your backpack
The entire way home
And I’ll prove to you daily
That I’m surely not fakin’
I’ll make sammiches for you
And always add bacon.
Our garden will be greener
'Cause the slugs will not see
Any one person meaner
To them than is me.
You’ll keep saying stop
When I tell you you’re cute
And I won’t ever listen
Lest I become mute
And you’ll make me giggle
With nerd things galore
And I’ll kill all the monsters
With my little roar
Cause you are my favorite.
I Love you, my dear
I’ll snuggle you daily
And buy all your beers
And I’ll always make sure
That your home is your home
And make you coffee in the morning
And write silly poems.
Just four words for me
& I’m invisible to you
Three words I have for you
Because you’re everything to me
Two words and I’m appeased
That one word is always maybe
Could ever save me
Unless they came from you.
And a heavy heart
That is now full of you
Instead of the extra tears I couldn’t cry
This weight is one I could carry for miles
And I wish I could repay you
With something other than a few silly words
But all I’ve got are these little paper hearts
In my knapsack
With bits of love song lyrics scribbled on them.
You can put them in your pocket if you like -
Every last one of them.
The sun bounces off of his irises like water, and the ever-changing color of his eyes cannot quite be put into a word, or even two. He is the kind of guy who keeps to himself most of the time - a studious frown placed neatly between his brows while he thinks, and he stole my heart right out its safe little cubbyhole under my breasts without me even taking notice of it happening, like a pickpocket on the subway.
Sitting outside in the late Spring sun, I could listen to him talk forever, yet even in silence I don’t feel the normal awkwardness as I do with most people. I’m happy sitting in silence, not talking, for once. He indulges my need for conversation for as long as I am willing to listen. He has a story for any occasion, complete with animated facial expressions and the intelligent gesture of his hands.
Those hands. I’ll tell you: I analyze people by watching their hands. By the way they touch things; the way they move their fingers across any object - and he has strong hands. They are not bony or feminine, they are not too rough, or calloused, but not too soft… definitely the hands of a man. Watching him use them is something else entirely though, all because of the way he touches.
Some men grab things with closed fists, like a toddler. Some men touch everything like it could cut them if they are not careful. Not this man. This man touches everything like he was making love to it. Never a jerk of the wrist, fingers independent of one another, firm but slow and soft, like he wants to absorb every particle of what it is that his skin is up against. He was always like that, from the first time I laid eyes on him. I wanted him to put those hands all over me from a very early point in our meeting one another.
Looking at this man, I still can not believe that mere months ago, he was a dream subject; a fantasy, untouchable; he made me so shy that I could barely look him in the eye. And yet here I am, sitting here, completely in love with him, my heart going into my throat every time he smiles as he tells me stories of being stranded in the desert, and I gently poke at him for his fear of the zombie apocalypse.
He has the imagination and enthusiasm of a kindergartner, while possessing a depth and wisdom that until now have been mostly unknown to me. He does well at bringing my airy, idealist head back to reality when I drift away into my own world, but never so much that I can’t be the dreamer that I’ve always been.
He is more to me than I’ve ever thought anyone could possibly be. I’ve always settled. I get bored easily in most endeavors, and I don’t like a ton of predictability. I like to make plans, but I don’t want them to be specific. I like mellow, but not stagnant, and he is a guessing game that never ends. He’s impulsive and wild, with a calm outer shell, and it makes me crazy. I’ve never been so attracted to someone on so many levels.
I am still in awe when he kisses me, or tells me he loves me; I feel like a teenager, even after over 3 months since the first time he put his lips up to my ear and trailed them down my neck. That giddy feeling fades fast for me usually, but just thinking about it makes me flush.
He’s an amazing father, and his daughter shows it. She’s amazing, too. I love her quite a bit these days, which frightens me and makes me so happy I could cry at the same time.
This is getting less poetic by the minute; my brain is distracted by things around me. I’m signing off here, but I just had to get it out. My God, I love that kid.
Hot damn, honey, what the fuck planet did you come from?
This song is an original, but I was feeling it tonight, so I decided to try and play it for the first time in years.
I wrote it about 15 years ago, and haven’t played it for at least 5 or so.
My cover of Tom Waits - “Blue Skies”.
Standing in a damp parking lot
Looking at you
Looking back at me with those grey eyes
So grey in the dim light
So grey in the shadow of your brow
And all of a sudden
Nothing existed but you
My heart caught in my throat
I just loved you
More than I already loved you
…I always loved you
But standing there,
Out of breath from panic,
I just loved you more than ever
In a completely new way
And my heart fell apart
When her words tumbled from your lips
And I couldn’t say anything
But I’m sorry
Because it hurt you to say them
And when you took my hand
And held it
I didn’t ever want to let go.
And if I close my eyes
I can still feel your fingers
Pressed firmly to the back of my hand
Like the rest of you
Like the tired, lazy love we made
That wasn’t meant to be carnal
Those kisses were from somewhere else in me
Where you can always lay your head
Where you are always loved
Where I will always catch you
Even when you’re insane
Even when you’re angry
When you’re too tired to walk alone anymore
I’ll hold your hand and
Kiss your forehead
And love you deeply
And hope you can feel it
From all the way across town
The next day.
Seemed to age us
For a moment
Put wrinkles in our hearts
Put tears on our cheeks
And holes in our shoes
But today you danced in the rain
And your eyes were soft again
And you whispered loving words into my ear
By the coffee pot
Where everyone could see
But no one could hear
When I felt like I was going to fall apart from the weight
You sing musicals to me
And you jump to cover me from waterfalls
With your black umbrella
And I bow my head
So you can not see my cheeks flush
And the stifled giggle of shock
That anyone would throw such sweetnesses
And aim them at me
And I think of you more than I
Should ever admit
And dream of you more
Than the last time
I said goodnight to you
Every time, more
I worry when you frown
And frown when you worry
And you frighten me
With the amount of adoration
That I am finding myself capable
Of having for one person
You are loving
You are brave
And the most impatient patient person
I have ever known
We are a lot alike, but you… Oh, you
You make me grow
You make me want to learn everything about everything ever.
You are beautiful
You are crazy beautiful
You are a hell of a man
And my boy,
Whether it’s technical
Whether it’s sloppily written
On a post it note
Or a tiny heart
On the corner of a notepad
On your desk
I love you
I hope you decide to keep me.
You have turned the universe inside out
An explosion of its center
Supernova of the heart
All of the bad things around me turn to ash when you’re around, and blow away
With each breath
And in the night
When it is just us two
When I’m lying next to you
Your silhouette rising and falling with the moonlight
I touch you
And I can’t imagine touching you any other way
Because that’s how your being touches mine.
You don’t stir, or pull away
You curl into me
And I’m silly, so small and behind you, trying to wrap myself around your broad shoulders
But it feels so good
To be there
To rest my head on you
To press my lips to the back of your warm neck
And breathe you in
To feel my skin on yours
And wish the middle-of-the-night clock would stop right then and there,
And then fall into the best sleep I will have for days.
And when you wake,
My favorite thing
is your eyes, sleepy and smiling as usual
kissing your mischievously grinning cheeks
Having you wrap yourself around every part of me
For sleepy loving
So please, keep kissing my forehead in the morning
Before I’ve even looked at you
And put your mouth on mine, barely brushing my skin
Because oh, those kisses
Those kisses are fireworks
Making my heart burst again and again
Colors only you and I can see
Our lips are like puzzle pieces
The ones that make the edge of the sky
And all of our other parts
The way we fit together
Are the center
Of this puzzle
Of the universe
That your love turned inside out.
This is that moment
When you realize that maybe, you really *are* all of those terrible words
that you thought someone else left hastily to bounce around in your heart, leaving little branded burns all over it,
And you ponder the idea that maybe,
You have just been really good at convincing yourself that you’re someone else…
When you realize that in every single bad thing,
Every seemingly good thing that has gone wrong in your life
That there’s a pattern of behavior
The common denominator is you.
And this is the moment where suddenly
It feels like someone cut out a hole where your guts are supposed to be
Is finally gone
And you feel suddenly empty
And like you’ve done nothing but make a mess and bleed all over everyone’s nice white carpets from the hole where your guts should be
When you realize that you’re only alone
Everyone else has tired of your whining
Because hell - you’re sick of your whining
And you realize how selfish you really must be
On the inside
And how you overcompensate with selfless acts
Even if it hurts you deeply
Even if you end up with nothing left of yourself
All to “make” people love you
Because it’s the only way you believe that
You could be loved
And you think of how manipulative that is when it’s all stripped away
And it makes you want to apologize to everyone you’ve ever known…
Even though it wouldn’t make any sense to them
And you know you don’t mean any harm
And you do really come from a place that you believe is loving
But you doubt your own self worth
To a degree that equals irrational times infinity
And take a breath
And you sit down
With a pack of cigarettes
And your guitar
And you sing.
You sing until you’re crying because it hurts SO fucking bad
You sing until your voice gives out
You don’t care if you don’t hit the right notes
You sing until the neighbors complain
You play until your fingers bleed
You write until your ink runs dry
Because the tears won’t
And something has to
You become raw meat
You become carrion
You let yourself be taken to the bone
You realize that you’re the one
That has to take this on
Because you’re the one
Who made yourself this way
You’re the one who created this sea of tears
When you never learned to swim
This mess on the carpet
Those burns on your heart
They weren’t anyone else’s fault
But your own.
And you realize that you have wrapped yourself up -
This little rotten fruit
In someone else’s peel
So that you can feel pretty for a minute
So that someone might pick you
You need to just decompose
And let the Earth swallow you
And be in the mud that you’ve been frantically wiping away
Into your own tree
Stop lying on the ground
With no roots
And start making your limbs strong
So that other people can hold onto them
Make your own fruit
And bloom your own flowers
And stop being weak
All the things
You wanted to believe you could be all along
You’ll stop sabotaging
You’ll stop crying
You’ll stop begging for love
Like a vagrant kitten
You’ll start smiling
And have it be real
You’ll get to feel what it’s like
To be loved the way you love
And it will wrap you up
And you’ll finally be warm.
even as everything around you spirals out of your control,
you still control it
because you control how you react to it.
people come and go in our lives.
and sometimes we don’t understand why—
but everything has a purpose. it’s whether or not we take the time to try and understand the purpose that makes all the difference.
there is a reason for you.
there is a reason for me.
there is a reason that we know each other and love each other as we do.
there is a purpose for you being so dear to my heart, friend.
you help me to grow.
you help me to shine.
i only hope to someday return the favor.